Thursday, May 15, 2014
Uneasy The Sea of Life: Braving the Storms of Despair to the Safe Harbor of Hopes
Here I am standing frozen in my place, fading away like a passing memory, motionless and paralyzed by that storm rushing through my brain. Regrets, doubts, concerns and only pain are pouring on the field of my mind. A moor clouded by the fog of confusion and despair, I feel myself has turned into.
Have I tried many times to break the cycle? That I did. With every wall I break, a new storm to brave, a new abyss to cross, a new maze to escape. Will it ever end? I ask. Nobody is there to respond. Consumed by that inner agony, I want to give up. I drop on to my knees, hands on my face, shedding bitter tears of defeat. Silently, I wail and wail for hours and hours waiting for the last breath to pass. For some reason that moment never comes.
I stand up hollow eyed, empty spirited, a mere shell of existence tossed randomly by an aimless wind. I gaze into myself, searching, seeking a reason to cling on to. A purpose to push me forward, those I fail to find. The deeper I dove, the huger expanses of emptiness I see. There is a vacuum needing to be filled, a gap needing to be bridged, a cross needing to be passed.
I stand here, gazing at the river of life as it flows by, the seasons pass. An urge inside me I feel, a yearning to sail through that river, conquer its currents. Yet, I am still anchored on its bank, an empty boat with no crew to sail.
Marooned on the island of helplessness and despair, yearning for that North Star to guide me out and through that river, I realize waiting for the storm to pass and hoping for the clouds to clear will lead to no life or end. I gather myself, in pain I stand up. Marking my own path to navigate, seeking a treasure to call my own. I am the captain of this ship; my own crew will I seek.
Life is a turbulent sea that I need to brave, a rough mountain that I need to climb. Breaking through the walls of this maze, I will. My own path, I will mark. A cry of war, I will shout aloud. Hear me titans for here I come. For long I have been lying there waiting. For long I have been lying there drained. The time has come to leave a mark.
Alone, I navigate the sea of life to the island of hopes and aspirations. I carve the castle and kingdom I am destined to rule. Yet, as I stand watchful over my kingdom, I still feel that emptiness inside me. I hear the dying embers crying for a spark to reignite them.
Every torch needs a fire to shine through the darkness as every traveler needs a compass and every kingdom needs its queen. I will seek that spark to reignite my spirits, a reason to live for.
It is a gamble that I am aware of, a quest that might not be realized. Giving up, I will not nor will I let go. With every bit of hope I roam around, this light of mine I will find.